A Security Officer to English Phrasebook

Post made in honor of GwtTS

What the security officer says => What you should hear

"Can I help you find something?" => "You don't belong here."

"Is there a problem here?" => "You're the problem, aren't you?"

"Excuse me." => "Get out of the way."

"I'm afraid not." => "No."

"Can I help you with that?" => "Stop, before you break something."

"Can I do something for you?" => "State your business in eight words or less."

"I don't know who that is." => "Name dropping will get you nowhere."

"You'll need to leave now." => "Either go out the door, or I'll drag you out."

"Get down on the floor." => "Your choices are now simple: jail or hospital." 

"We consider that our custodial property." => "I can be sued if you hurt yourself on my sidewalk, so I get some say in what happens on it."

"Nice to meet you." => "I've concluded that the only reason you're trying to make friends because you'll be up to no good later."

"My name is David." => "My name is certainly not David."

"I'm sorry, I can't flirt right now." => "Either you're the wrong gender or sex, or I find you unattractive."

"Please be on your way." => "She doesn't like you.  Give up now."

"Thank you for coming." => "Get out now."

"We assisted him to the floor." => "I can write better incident reports than you."